reflect.

Well, what a doozy. I just spent some time over at my old blog picking.up.purls. I was looking back at how my January’s became downers a few years back. Then I just kept going back in time, remembering the ups and downs that have filled our lives since 2007. There were some big valleys, folks. You won’t see them all there on that blog. I showed the creative side, shared minimal facts there. I kept a private blog for a very select few where I bared it all. (Rachel, Ann-Krestene, Jen, you were my strength so often!) I think a private journal is so important. Not all things need to be publicized.

But anyway…reflecting on the past…. Seeing the kids so tiny, Christmas mornings with trees lit and filled with gifts from true Santas, wedding cakes baked, birthday parties, medical tests, new homes… It reminds me how faithful God has been to carry us through. I will admit to tears falling as looked at my one year old Eli, read of miscarriages, looked at Stella’s art (she has always been a draw-er!), reviewed Dad’s illness and death, and finally as I tried to resurrect an old blog, an old me. I walked away from that place because it felt too hard to pick up where I left it. I loved that place. I think that is why at times writing here is daunting. It is why I go from posts about transparency to yogurt. Revealing the heart is good and hard and scary.

So, as I write, jot, scribble here, I pray these words will serve as my Ebenezer. It is only by His help I am here.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer…..Come Thou Fount has been a bedtime song in our house for over twelve years now. I would sing and rock Stella to sleep. Then Eli came. He remembers me singing this to him from the beginning. Now Jude is starting to join in at night. Truth is, this hymn became important to me back in Seattle, in the Ballard house. We had a piano in the living room and a hymnal propped up. We would gather around that piano and clunk out the chords and sing in four part harmony. I remember sitting close on the bench to my now sister-in-law, Lauren, belting out the line, “prone to wander, Lord I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love! Here’s my heart, oh, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above!” Remember that, Ann, Amy, Dana Jill, Anna, Janine, Damien, Dave, Ben, Joey Mark…?

I think that, right there, is today’s Ebenezer.

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4 thoughts on “reflect.

  1. I filled eight journals while I was in the Peace Corps. Pulled them out this summer and just wished I go back in time 20 years and tell me then there would always be ups and downs and it is OK.

  2. One of my favorite hymns! I like to go back and read old blog posts as well, and I totally understand going from deep and heartfelt posts to “safer” everyday topics. I do it as well; it’s all part of the journey. 🙂

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